Anger Comes from Love

I was taking a walk and listening to a Tim Keller podcast and something he said jumped out at me. He was talking about anger and said it comes from love. Odd, I thought, but as I kept listening, he said when something we love is being threatened, anger is a natural response. Obviously what we do with our anger is super important, but this gives us an opportunity to ask ourselves, “What’s being threatened right now?” when we are experiencing anger. I kind of wonder if taking that pause to ask the question also helps 🙂.

So that evening as I was cleaning up dinner, I just found myself getting so mad. I could feel my face reddening, my body getting tense, all the angry feelings! I realized this was the perfect opportunity to try out Keller’s question. So I asked myself, “Mel, what is being threatened right now?” I first noticed my thoughts. I was projecting ahead to a situation that could occur in a few weeks at a gathering. This imagined situation (which actually has happened before 😜) was getting me all worked up. I paused and realized what was being threatened was my sense of belonging. 

Belonging is so important to me, it’s so important that I pretend like it doesn’t even matter, like I’m above that or something. When I noticed this situation had threatened my sense of belonging in the past, I also immediately knew the person who did this had no bad intentions toward me, and, in fact, their action has nothing to do with me. It was my interpretation that was getting in my way of feeling like I matter. 

Interpretation is when we take one thing we see or hear and make meaning out of it, sometimes creating a whole story around it. The problem is, we don’t see the whole picture, and we can’t fully understand. It’s helpful to ask yourself, “What is another perspective?” “If I asked that person their perspective, what would they say?” There are likely 100 other possibilities, can you come up with just 2 or 3 besides the one you created? This raises your awareness and helps you to take responsibility for your own feelings and maybe even extend forgiveness to the other person, which further releases you.

So this is where coaching and the Keller talk came together beautifully to move me in a more energetic direction. I clearly saw that I love feeling like I belong and that my interpretation of this past event caused my worth to feel diminished. I took responsibility for my own feelings of wanting to feel belonging, and released the other person because I know they mean no harm to me. I also come back to a truth statement I have written for myself reminding me that I have inherent value.

I hope next time you are experiencing anger, you can take a pause and ask yourself, “What is being threatened right now?” From there, how can you give yourself grace to acknowledge that your anger makes sense to you, and to then challenge your own interpretations to see what other perspectives may be possible? I’d love to hear what insights you gain about yourself!